Placebo
by Kimmimaru
Summary: Sirius Black is in love with his best freind and he has difficulty coping. SLASH. SMUT. Warnings inside. Please R&R!


**Authors note: Hi, and I'm back again with a James/Sirius fic! This one comes with warnings: Drug and alcohol abuse, borderline bestiality (You'll see what I mean) and lots of heartache! The bold and italicised lyrics are all from Placebo songs, appropriately enough considering the name of the fic, lol. I hope you can understand the meaning behind the title, the band is one close to my own heart! Anyway, please enjoy and would love any feedback! Thanks.**

Placebo

It simply wasn't normal, Sirius decided as gazed up at ceiling. The walls shouldn't be melting, but that wasn't what had him frowning in a dazed way, it was the way the curtains of his bed were dripping onto the floor, the way the ceiling was sagging so it was nearly touching the canopy above him and the way the floor was rippling like water. No, he decided, it wasn't fucking normal...but he could no longer find it in himself to care all that much.

There was a hissing noise from somewhere down by his feet, he lifted his head with difficulty and narrowed his eyes as he tried to see through the weird haze surrounding his body, his feet were too far away and that definitely wasn't normal...when had he grown so tall?

The hissing was coming from the great big serpent at the foot of his bed, it was coiled around the bed post and was glaring at him with crimson eyes. It's massive tongue seemed to be made of fire as it flicked from its jaws, it slid slowly towards him and he tried to move away but his body had been filled with lead at some point...he wasn't entirely sure when that had happened but he was sure it wasn't good. The snake undulated over him, he could feel it, one huge muscle gliding and coiling around him until he couldn't breathe, he felt it wrapped around his leg, it's tail rippling across his groin and ripping a heavy moan from his lips. His fingers twitched and he found himself looking up into those crimson eyes, the serpent's tongue lashed out, searing his cheek with fire and around him the room continued to melt...

The heavy weight of the snake crushed the air from his lungs until he was burning, it tightened around him, pressing into his hard erection and making his hips press back. He tried to draw breath, but couldn't, he couldn't even lift his arms. It was wrapping itself around his throat, it's scolding tongue leaving trails of fire over his skin and he groaned heavily, his aching body moving sluggishly as glazed eyes stared up at the canopy, which had been melted away to reveal the cosmos...

He could feel it inside him. A hot, hard muscle breaching his body and filling him with that heat, It invaded him, the snakes tail slipping all too easily inside him and making his legs move apart to ease its entrance. His mind was full of pleasant fog, the stars above him twinkled and glittered like cold eyes as they watched. He wanted to touch them, but his arms wouldn't obey him...

_**-You're the one who's always choking Trojan**__**, **__**You're the one who's always bruised and broken-**_

"Where is he?"

Remus looked up from the book in his hands, James was pacing up and down, chewing on his nail nervously. "Calm down, James, he'll be here."

"He was supposed to be here ten minutes ago." James muttered, his robes flaring around his feet as he made a sharp turn and began pacing the opposite direction. "I was sure he wouldn't pass up on this chance..."

"Sirius is fine, what can he get up to? We're at School."

"Yeah...except I know him well enough to know that he will find trouble all too easily."

"He'll be here Prongs, he's just busy I suspect." Peter murmured from where he sat on a step.__

The hallway was cold, the bitter winter winds howling through the castle like a tongue of ice that slipped down James' spine. He didn't expect Remus and Peter to understand his concern, they didn't have to see Sirius stumble home at two in the morning covered in blood and bruises, they didn't have to think of a myriad of excuses to tell his parents, they weren't the ones who sat with him as he was sick for the seventh time that evening...they didn't have to watch as Sirius fell down the stairs because he was too high to see them. They didn't have to live with that tight, horrible fear in their chests when Sirius woke up screaming, they didn't have to comfort him in the dead of night with soft words and gentle touches as he shook and trembled and whispered into his ear things about snakes and fire.

"Here he is, James." Remus said as he looked over his shoulder, the lamps flickered in a sudden freezing gust and revealed Sirius leaning against the wall and grinning lazily at them.

"Sorry I'm late, my good friends. So good to see that you didn't start without me."

James' eyes darted up and down his body, checking for any sign he was hurt or under the influence. "Right...what took you so long?" he asked.

"Milly." He said with a smirk. "She had something to show me..."

"Should have guessed." Remus muttered tersely. "Shall we get going then? The moon..." he shook his head.

"Say hi to Pomfrey for us, won't you Moony? I'm sure your girlfriend will be pleased to see you." Sirius winked and Remus batted him around the head playfully before striding off. Sirius chuckled to himself as he let James throw the cloak over them both while Peter changed into his rat form and snuggled deep into James' pocket. They began shuffling awkwardly down the passageway and towards the wide open doors of the Entrance Hall.

_**-Soft and wet, scarf tied to the bed**__**, **__**Jack is all tragic when he stands alone-**_

Sirius stumbled, his fingers pained him but he ignored it as he fell into the wall and slid down it panting. He looked at his hand, trying to focus through the wobbling haze that had descended over his eyes. Two fingers were twisted into grotesque angles and blood coated his palm, he swore softly to himself, the git's had cornered him and ripped his wand from his fingers before he had been able to defend himself. "Bastard Slytherin's." He gasped as he struggled upright and held his injured hand close to his chest, his ribs ached consistently but he could live with that, what got to him was the sting of humiliation when he thought about what they had done to him...he could still hear their laughter ringing in his ears as they had held him down and rendered him completely helpless as they had attacked him. They hadn't even given him the chance to fight back.

He had been alone, just coming in from a quick cigarette in the night when he had been hit with a curse and thrown to the floor, someone had stamped on his fingers as they had scrabbled for his wand, they had tried to make him scream, but at least he had been able to avoid giving them that satisfaction even while they had laughed at him. He would have to seek his revenge, but first he needed Remus to fix his hand.

He found Remus sitting alone by the fire, working silently on yet another ream of homework. He looked up as he saw Sirius enter and at the overwhelming scent of blood he stood up, letting parchment scatter across the floor. "Come here." He sighed, knowing that Sirius wouldn't answer any questions, he never did. Sirius limped over and knelt on the floor while Remus patched up his hand, he rested his head in his lap and sighed shakily. Once his hand and other wounds were healed they settled down, Sirius snuggling into Remus' familiar, comforting warmth with a satisfied sigh while Remus continued to work on his essay. They sat in silence, they didn't need to speak because they both knew what had happened.

_**-Lust, spite and malice, your degrees of sin**__**, **__**Cruising for pity and looking pretty as fuck-**_

James watched Sirius kiss her. He frowned, the party was loud and people were drunk but Sirius looked perfect. He always did. No matter what he did, his hair remained immaculate even as her fingers dragged through it, his clothes were scruffy but elegantly so, his face was flushed but his eyes sparkled. But James knew the real reason he was looking so happy, he knew that the smile was only due to the packet of tiny pills in his pocket, he knew that it was only the alcohol and drugs and the prospect of sex that was making him smile...none of it was genuine. But then, he was pretty sure the girl didn't care, she just wanted everyone to know she had fucked Sirius Black.

Remus yawned widely, he blinked around at the Gryffindor common room, almost feeling sorry for the Elves that had to clean up afterwards, it wasn't going to be pretty. He waited for the appropriate time to go to bed without looking rude, he wasn't into parties and watching Sirius shag the pretty blond in a sofa was about as off putting as listening to James masturbate. He sighed and took a sip of his butterbeer, having had to avoid having it spiked by Sirius...Peter however, hadn't been so lucky. The boy lay on the floor loudly claiming that he was a fish and he didn't understand why everyone was able to breathe underwater because obviously they were all walking around the bottom of the lake.

James was chasing Lily and failing, if the thunderous look on her face was anything to go by. Remus sighed and shook his head, and felt a warm hand on his own. "Butterbeer? Come on Moons, I like it when you're drunk." Sirius' hot whisper made him turn his head so they were eye to eye.

"I like Butterbeer and I hate being drunk." He said, extracting himself from Sirius' fingers. He despised the way he trembled slightly, the way his pupils were so huge they made his eyes look black.

"But you lose a good portion of your Remus-ness when you're drunk..." Sirius muttered with a small pout, his hand dropping to his side. He was perched on his haunches and looking up at Remus through his hair, eyes wide and full of hectic energy that had nothing to do with the scent of alcohol on his breath and everything to do with the tiny white muggle pills clutched in one sweaty hand. "Loosen up, experiment a little...it doesn't hurt."

"It does and you know it." Remus replied softly, he reached up and pushed Sirius' hair from his eyes. "You should go to bed, you're going to be ill again if you're not careful."

"Bed? Moony, I'm fucking flying!" he said loudly with an insane grin. "I want to fuck."

"I noticed." Remus replied with a sigh as he watched Sirius bounce energetically to his feet and dive into the crowd of party goers. James walked to his side with a heavy sigh and slumped into the seat beside him, he hung his head dejectedly. "Didn't go to well then?" Remus said, eyeing James.

"No. It went brilliantly, can't you tell?" James hissed back, his voice dripping sarcasm.

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit." Remus murmured, his eyes moving to find Padfoot slammed into the wall by a rather angry looking bloke with short back and sides and a furious glint in his eye. Sirius was laughing. "Maybe we'd better go save him..." He stood and James finally lifted his head.

"Oh for crying out loud...I told him not to go near Jenny..." James stormed over, followed by Remus. "Oi! Get your hands off of him!"

The massive bloke turned, glowering furiously at James, who seemed suddenly tiny in comparison. "He was kissing my girlfriend, Potter."

"I'm sure he was, your girlfriends a whore." James replied, folding his arms across his chest. "Let him go."

He released Sirius who slid down the wall, still laughing manically. "And what are you going to do about it?" He cracked his knuckles threateningly.

James grinned. "Oh I can think of many ways I can make you run crying to the Infirmary, I know so many it's difficult to choose...hmm...Remus, any ideas?" He turned mockingly to Remus who paused, pretending to think.

"I've always liked the one where you transfigure their balls into chestnuts; the shells on those things are spiky."

The hulking boy went pale. "You wouldn't have the guts." He said but suddenly seemed unsure.

James looked him directly in the eyes. "Oh I have the guts. I'm James Potter...the guy who hung Severus Snape from his hair in the Great Hall with 'Snivelly' etched across his chest. I'm the guy who made history in my first year by transfiguring Filch's cat into a ball and playing tennis with her." His grin was positively evil. "And _I'm_ the guy who flooded three floors with Stink Sap...do you really need me to go on?"

The boy looked a great deal smaller as he quailed before James' glare. "I'll fuck you up...all of you...Stay away from my woman." He snapped before running off.

Sirius was curled into a ball on the floor, laughing hysterically. James crouched by his side, looking down at him with pity. "Come on, let's get you up to bed." He whispered and pulled Sirius up.

_**-Don't go and leave me,**____**And please don't drive me blind-**_

James woke to the sounds of someone throwing up. Slowly he sat up and looked around his dark bedroom, the other two were fast asleep, Peter snoring heavily and Remus making tiny whimpering noises. He rubbed his eyes and reached for his glasses, once they were on he leapt from his bed and made his way towards the half open door of the bathroom. Gently he pushed the door open and saw one of the stalls open, carefully he made his way towards it and saw Sirius kneeling before the toilet bowl and heaving. He sat down at his side and waited.

Finally Sirius gasped and spat before slumping down beside James, he was shaking violently and when James reached over to press his palm to his face he could feel how cold he was. He pulled him close and Sirius snuggled into him. "'s painful..." He whispered softly, fingers tangling in James' pyjama's. "Hurts..."

"I know..." James replied smoothing back his sweaty hair. "I know..."

"'m gunna fucking kill myself..." Sirius opened his eyes and looked up at James. "I don' like it..."

"Then stop...please..." he had tried this before, pleading and asking...but it always resulted in a fight or tears or worse...

"No...I need to make the pain stop..."

"But Sirius..."

"Shut up! James! I don't want to fucking hear it! J-just-ugh..." He sat up and heaved into the bowl again.

"Sirius...I care about you." James whispered as Sirius fell back with a sigh into his lap.

"Shut up..." Sirius muttered. "Just shut up a-and don't leave me..."

"I'm not going to leave you."

"Good..." Sirius' voice was small and pitiful sounding but he sighed contentedly and closed his eyes.

_**-If I could tear you from the ceiling,**____**And guarantee a source divine-**_

James looked down and swore. Remus sighed. Peter just stared.

Sirius was lying on his bed, fingers of one hand brushing the carpet while the other was tied to the bed post. He appeared to be unconscious. His chest was a mess of long crimson lines, blood smeared across pale skin and his jeans dangling from one foot.

James did what he always did in these situations, he swallowed his own pain, he pushed down as far as it would go and he set to untying his unconscious friend.

Sirius woke surrounded by water, he woke to the feel of soft voices and gentle hands. "Ugh..." He forced his throat to work as he blinked rapidly, slowly the room came into focus and he was looking into concerned hazel eyes. "Are you...washing me?" He croaked, frowning as his head pounded.

"No one else was going to do it." James replied roughly. He had a sponge in his hands, he was still fully clothed but sat in the bath with Sirius. They were close, Sirius could feel James' body heat even through the steam of the hot water. "Remus and Peter are changing your sheets..." he gritted his teeth as he ran the sponge over some nasty looking cuts on Sirius' chest making him hiss and gasp. "You let them into the Tower?"

"Who?" Sirius replied, thoroughly confused.

"Them. Your lovers...whoever it is you fuck." James snapped, eyes glistening with unshed tears. His hair was plastered to his face, his skin flushed with heat and Sirius could only stare at him.

"They...they're not always the same people...I..."

James sighed, dropping the sponge into the water. "You're going to kill yourself." He said softly. "And I can't watch you do it."

"Then don't." Sirius replied, eyes as blank and cold as the stars.

"But I...you're..." James bit down on his bottom lip. "You're my best mate, my brother...I can't...I can't leave you."

"Then live with it. I'm not stopping...Live fast..."

"Die pretty...yeah, I know your line." James picked up the sponge and rang it out so pinkish water splashed into the bath. He ran it slowly over a hand shaped bruise on Sirius' side, pressing harder than necessary, hearing Sirius' hiss of pain. "Don't be a coward, you let them do this to you...take the consequences."

"I know." Sirius closed his eyes tightly, pressing his lips together. "James...I..."

"Don't apologise...I don't need to hear it."

"No...It's not...I..."

"Just be quiet." James avoided his eyes, a frown creasing his brow. "I don't want you to say it, Sirius." He whispered as he gazed at the thin cuts on Sirius' shoulder. "Please...don't ever say it."

"Ok." Sirius replied in a monotone.

"G-good...that's...alright then." James finally looked into his eyes and they gazed at each other in silence. "You're a fool."

"I know."

_**-It doesn't hurt me.**____**You wanna feel how it feels?**____**You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?-**_

"He doesn't look well James..."

"You think I haven't noticed? Christ Lily, he's my best mate!"

"Then why are you letting him...?"

"I can't control what he does, I don't have a say in who he fucks."

"James..."

"No, Lily, I can't stop..."

"No...James, he needs the Hospital Wing I think..."

"Oh shit! Sirius!" James flew to his feet, scrambling down the short set of steps and falling to his knees beside his friend who was curled in a ball and shaking. "Sirius! Sirius hold on..."

"James..." Sirius gasped, eyes opening a bit to reveal a sliver of silver like the crescent moon. "J-James..."

"I'm here...I'm never going to leave you."

Sirius smiled but it was strained. "I love you."

James froze. He couldn't meet his friends gaze...because he knew he meant every word. "Not now." He whispered, his voice a soft brush of air past his lips. "Not ever."

"I'm sorry." Sirius sighed, slowly uncurling himself.

"No, stay here, Lily's gone to get Madam Pomfrey..."

"_Lily_..." Sirius spat the name. "Evans doesn't want you..."

"Sirius..." James sat on his knees looking up at his friend with wide eyes.

"Has she made any move to get closer to you?"

"We're talking more." James muttered. "She says she likes the way I've grown up...what is this all about?"

"Grown up? James...you're not the same fucking guy I knew."

"What...I...?"

"I don't need the hospital wing...I'll heal...I always do."

James watched him walk away, the bruises on his face, under his eyes, his fingers trembling and his hair matted with dried blood...

_**-So much hate for the ones we love?**____**Tell me, we both matter, don't we?-**_

The walls heaved. The carpet bubbled beneath his bare feet, he swayed. The huge lion stood before him, a snake clasped in its formidable jaws. He didn't like it at all. The lion watched him hungrily as blood dripped from its massive teeth, they were as long as Sirius' arm. With a sudden, violent shake of it's shaggy head it bit the massive serpent in half. The snake hit the writhing carpet with two thuds, it wiggled desperately where it lay as blood spread around it, staining the already crimson carpet. It hissed, revealing fangs longer than Sirius' leg, venom dripped from them and it lunged...

Sirius screamed. Agony ripped through him, shattering his mind as he fell to the floor hitting his head on the stone. The snake looked into his eyes as it sank it's fangs deep into Sirius' body, and when it released him he could feel his own blood filling his mouth, he watched those crimson eyes go blank as the snake began to burn from the inside out its eyeballs popped and dripped down its flaking skin, it shuddered before slowly turning to ash...

The lion roared.

_**-I'm weightless... I'm bare**__**, **__**I'm faithless... I'm scared-**_

The needle stung as it slipped into the flesh of his arm, the man hovered over Sirius with a frown of concentration on his face. Sirius turned his head to watch, the needle was buried deep into a large blue vein beneath a tight leather belt. The man had him pinned to the bed, his knees on his arms to hold him still. Sirius wasn't entirely sure who he was, all he knew was that he had been searching the Muggle bars and clubs for someone to help him forget and he had come across this man...this man who had promised him salvation...

"There we are...now, relax..." the man whispered, leaning down and brushing his lips against Sirius'. "How old are you? I never asked..."

"Sixteen..." Sirius muttered, the belt was removed from his arm and he sighed.

"Sixteen...?" The man gazed down at him for a while before shrugging. "Old enough. Oi! Gaz, we got a Chicken here..."

Sirius didn't recall what happened after that, only that he was swamped in bliss. Utter forgetfulness. Beautiful dancing colours, gorgeous floating songs...perfection.

When he woke again he felt the familiar aches and pains of his evening's activities. He lay on a stained mattress, bare of anything except his clothes and his own blood. He struggled into a sitting position pulling his shirt closer around his body as the winter chill seeped into his bones. The men were gone and he was alone...fear settled deep into his spine as he looked around, his head was full of fluff and his arm ached but he ignored it in favour of gazing around the room in search of an escape. He found it in the form of a window. He flung it open after struggling painfully into his jeans, he looked down to see the street below, the noises of traffic and people filled the air along with the acrid scents of the city and the pungent odour of decay.

He didn't think; he jumped.

_**-The face that fills the hole**__**, **__**That stole my broken soul-**_

James sat on his bed, Remus sat opposite. Remus was visiting James' for a week end and Sirius was sleeping, curled up in a heap of blankets in a corner. "What is wrong with him?" Remus asked suddenly, tearing his eyes away from Sirius' sleeping form.

James couldn't hide the flush of guilt from his face, he looked away. "He's in love with me." He muttered.

"He...what...?" Remus' eyes widened.

"He told me...ages ago." James sighed, rubbing his eyes with his hands beneath his glasses. "I...made a stupid arsed mistake and now he's punishing himself."

"What did you do?"

James looked Remus in the eyes. "I fucked him."

"You...James you idiot!"

"You think I don't regret it? Christ Moony if I'd known how he felt I'd never have touched him! I'm not a complete fool..." He sighed heavily. "It was fourth year and he was staying over for Christmas..."

_**-The dream that comes alive at night-**_

They were sat in the living room, the fire roaring cheerily in the hearth that was decorated with ivy and holly, and the radio played Christmas carols. Sirius had never been happier. They were sharing a stolen bottle of Firewhiskey between them, taking full advantage of James' parents absence. Sirius listened happily as James drunkenly recounted another failed attempt at wooing Lily Evans, he let his eyes rake James' body, the place where his t-shirt rode up exposing a flat stomach, the way his trousers hung low on his hips and soft trickle of an escaped drop of whiskey as he drank straight from the neck of the bottle. Sirius followed it with his eyes, it slid down his neck slowly, tantalisingly and before he knew it he was hard.

"Sirius?" James watched Sirius and saw how dark his eyes were, how they were filled with something...some unidentifiable emotion and he shivered. "You alrigh'?" He muttered.

"I'm fine." Sirius replied, smiling and revealing his sharp teeth as he snatched the bottle from James' fingers. He leaned forward, balancing on one hand as his face was inches from James'.

"Siri...wha'...?" He muttered.

Sirius let his eyes drift upwards. "Mistletoe." He said softly, James followed his gaze.

"So it is..."

"James..." Sirius moved forward even further so James fell onto his back with a shocked expression, before he could respond their lips were pressed together.

James froze for a second, his mind numbed by alcohol and then Sirius did something that made him groan; he ground his hips down into James'. It was as if someone had flicked a switch in his head, he had his arms around Sirius' neck and was yanking him closer, the bottle fell from lax fingers as Sirius gasped and muttered his name, as tongues tangled desperately seeking heat.

Neither of them were virgins, but James had only ever had sex with girls and they were never too keen on the idea of anal...much to James' chagrin, but now...now he had Sirius lying beside the fire, skin flushed from alcohol and sexual excitement and his jeans looking uncomfortably tight. James watched in odd fascination as he ran a finger over that bulge and watched Sirius press his hips upwards and a tiny little noise escaped his lips.

In a flurry of passion they had ripped each other's clothes off and Sirius was straddling James' hips, his eyes dark with lust as sweat trickled down his spine. James bit down on Sirius' throat making him whimper, he ran fingers up his spine, nails scratching that perfect skin as Sirius moved.

It was intense, sweaty limbs brushed each other, skin tingled, lips and tongues, fast jerky movements. The room was filled with their moans, their desperate gasps and Sirius gripped James' shoulders, he shook as he moved his hips to meet James' erratic thrusts.

They moved together, gasping into open mouths, lips crushed hungrily together, tongues dancing, fingers searching for purchase, legs straining...

They so close James wasn't entirely sure where he began and Sirius ended. He thrust hard and fast, unmindful of the fact that Sirius could have been in some pain, he whispered his name, he leaned down to run his tongue across Sirius' chest and drew a sound that made the familiar twist of pleasure flare in his groin. "Fuck...fuckfuckfuck...Siri-nnn..." And he came. Bright lights bursting behind his eyelids as he felt Sirius contracting around him, he rode out his orgasm and when he next opened his eyes he saw Sirius covered in his own semen and panting heavily.

Afterwards James could hardly meet Sirius' eyes. They had gone to bed in silence, neither one so much as touching the other...even when James woke in the night to hear the soft sound of someone crying from the camp bed on his floor.

_**-Never thought I'd fill with desire.**____**Never thought I'd feel so ashamed-**_

"I'm king of the fucking world!" Sirius cried as he stood upon the ramparts of the Astronomy tower. He had his arms thrown wide to either side of him, a bottle clutched tightly in his hand as he swayed dangerously, his feet slipping as he tried to keep his balance.

"Get down! You fucking idiot!" Remus shouted into the wind, desperate to stop Sirius from killing himself.

"Fuck off Moony..." Sirius shouted back, downing what was left in the bottle before letting it fall off the edge. The height called to him, he had the insane urge to just jump...

"Please, Sirius! I'm begging you, get down! You'll fall!"

"So what? No one gives a flying fuck what I do..."

"I do!" he was almost screaming in an attempt to get through to him. "For Merlin's sake...Come back!"

"Moony...If I fall will you go to my funeral?" Sirius slurred, wobbling and giggling. "No one else would ya'know? Fuck! If my Mother found out I'd smashed myself to pieces on the ground she'd hold a fucking party..."

"What about your friends? What about James and Peter a-and me? Don't we matter? Sirius, please!" Remus was nearly in tears, he had never been so afraid in his life.

"James is much too busy snogging that red headed bitch, Peter couldn't care less about me and you...well, you're _Moony_! You'll be fine...you're...you're nice...a-and..." Sirius' voice cracked and before he could stop it tears fell from his eyes. "God! I love him so fucking much!" He cried. "I-I can't take it...he's killing me...I-I'm dead...killing myself is a fucking mercy so I don't have t-to s-see him with her...Remus...I _can't live like this_!"

"Then let us help you!" Remus watched Sirius balancing precariously. "Please..." He whispered, letting all his desperation fill that single word.

The wind howled around them and Sirius sighed, lowering his arms. He turned and looked over at Remus and his smile was heart rending. Remus felt sick. Pain stabbed at his stomach as Sirius took a step off the parapet...

"NOOO!"

It happened so fast Remus couldn't react, as Sirius began to fall something shot past him. It took him a second to realise it was James and he was dangling over the edge of the stone parapet and gasping. "Remus...h-help me..." He gasped.

Together they hauled Sirius onto the tower proper and fell back panting. Sirius curled up, covering his face with his hair and sobbing desperately, he shook and shivered as James fell beside him and pulled him close. "What the fuck were you thinking?" He gasped into his hair, grabbing him and pulling him closer. "You fucking idiot! What would I do without you? How could I live without you? God, you're so fucking stupid sometimes!"

_**-Hard to breathe I try and try, I'll get asphyxiated.**____**Swinging from the tallest height, with nothing left to hold on to-**_

The lion stood before him again, the room was sweltering, the heat haze rising from the liquid carpet and choked Sirius' lungs. The lion licked it's bloodied lips and began padding closer. Sirius was stuck, he couldn't move. The lion drew closer, it's hulking body tensing, it drew back onto it's haunches and got ready to pounce...Sirius couldn't scream...it stuck in his throat as the massive beast lunged...

When it hit him he was winded, forced through the rippling floor and engulfed in scolding lava. His body burned and yet all he could see were two narrowed golden eyes...eyes that turned brown in certain light.

Claws dug deep into his flesh, tearing at him, drawing blood. Teeth glimmered, pure white in the choking, scolding heat. The lion's jaw opened...

_**-Glass and petrol vodka gin, it feels like breathing methane.**____**Throw yourself from skin to skin, and still it doesn't dull the pain-**_

His stomach heaved and no matter how hard he tried all he could bring up was bile. His fingers were white to the knuckles as he clutched desperately at the toilet bowl, he retched painfully again and groaned, a choked sob escaping his cracked lips as he let himself fall backwards onto the cool tiles. He lay in his very own flat, a small, dingy little place that was cold and uninviting...but it was his. Remus was out as it was a full moon and he was alone...except for the man standing in the doorway. He opened his eyes and lifted himself shakily up, gripping the sink and wobbling over to it. He could feel the strangers seed running down his thighs and he could feel the burning of his eyes, he ignored it as he washed his moth out and brushed his teeth.

"You're a good shag." The man said, lighting a cigarette and handing it to Sirius who took it as he collapsed back into his sweat stained sheets.

"I know." He whispered, trying to remember the man's name.

"You're also nice looking..." The man ran a single finger down Sirius exposed chest, he wore a white shirt that fell open to reveal lightly toned muscles and milk white skin. "Very nice..."

"If we're going to fuck again, get on with it." Sirius muttered around his cigarette as the man leaned down and removed it from between his lips, he licked where it had been before suddenly crushing it out on the patch of skin just above Sirius' nipple.

Sirius gasped and choked, his hands gripped the man's hair as pain set fire in his veins. "Ow!" He winced and looked down at the burn, it was red circular mark and couldn't have been any more obvious. "What the hell was that for?" Sirius hissed, moving his eyes to meet the man's dark eyes.

"I wanted to see your face twisted in pain."

"Fucking Sadist..." Sirius whispered as the man bent his head and ran his tongue over the mark, he gritted his teeth, pressing his body into the wet appendage that lapped and sucked at the raw skin making him tremble and whimper slightly as he let his head fall back. He felt a hand between his legs and slowly opened them, two fingers slipped inside of him easily with a soft wet noise that made him groan. His hips moved, the fingers sending heat twisting up his spine and his body twitch. "That's good..." He whispered as the man lifted his head and claimed his mouth. "More..." Sirius gasped, arching his back as his legs were spread and the man settled between them. Without so much as a permeable he thrust inside with a sharp grunt.

_**-Never thought I'd get any higher,**____**Never thought you'd fuck with my brain-**_

Sirius sat across from him, a cigarette dangling carelessly from his lips and his shirt open to reveal a myriad of bruises and scars and fresh wounds that still bled sluggishly. His eyes were dark and heavily lidded, his hands shaking as he lifted a glass full of amber liquid.

"Sirius...you look terrible..." Remus began slowly, worry creasing his brow. "James and I..."

"James isn't worried." He whispered hoarsely, removing the cigarette and blowing blue grey smoke from his lips before downing the contents of the glass. "He's got her." he spat the word as if the tasted bad and his face twisted into a mockery of his normally handsome features.

"Lily's lovely...if you would just egt to know her..."

"No." He slammed the empty glass down on the table and refilled it quickly.

"Don't you think you've had enough?" Remus asked slowly.

"No." Sirius downed the liquid again, relishing the burn. "What's Dumbledore want us to do? That's why you're here, isn't it? You may like to tell people you live with me now, but you hate being in the same room...so, I'm assuming Dumbledore's given us orders."

"Sirius, that's not..."

"Don't fucking lie to me Remus. We both know the truth of it, you hate being with me..."

"I wouldn't if you'd just...just stop."

"Stop what?" Sirius paused with his fourth glass half way to his lips, he cocked an eyebrow at his friend.

"Stop with the drugs and sex and..."

"No." He finished his glass and winced at the burn before lighting another cigarette.

Remus rubbed his temples feeling irritated. "Why?" He muttered. "Why do I have to clean up his fucking messes? Why can't he leave you alone?"

"If you mean James this has nothing to do with him."

"Yes...yes it has everything to do with him." Remus sighed and snatched the bottle from Sirius' fingers, he brought it to his lips and took a long hard pull before swallowing. "You and him...you're fucking fools..."

"I would die for him, Remus." Sirius whispered, lowering his head. "I'd gladly throw my own life away for his...b-but he...every time we're alone together he...he's just...Oh fuck..." He shoved fingers into his hair and rested his elbows on his knees. "He's beautiful...his eyes, his stupid fucking hair, his laughter...I want him. I want him to want me!"

"He loves Lily." Remus whispered, hating himself for being so helpless.

"He's marrying the bitch." Sirius hissed. "He asked me...he fucking _asked_ me to be best man! He asked me to smile as he puts that ring on her finger! He asked me to...a-and I couldn't refuse! I can never refuse!"

Remus was helpless, totally helpless in the face of Sirius' unrequited love. There was nothing he could do except sit in silence and listen, or sometimes he would hold Sirius close and let him cry into his shirt...but he could never heal him, he wasn't able to and it was pain beyond imagining as he was forced to sit back and watch Sirius crumble.

_**-You're the one who's always choking Trojan**__**, **__**You're the one who's showers always golden**__**, **__**Spunk & bestiality well it's an Assisi lie-**_

Sirius' arms ached from being tied behind his back for too long, they had used his own shirt to do it. His trousers were torn, not that he cared. His tie was wrapped firmly around his eyes as someone shoved their cock down his throat, making him choke and groan and shudder.

James' wedding had been beautiful, a gorgeous sunlit event full of smiles and joy and Sirius had tried not to scream, he had been fairly successful as far as not punching James in his grinning, foolish face. He had put on a fake grin, congratulated the Red Haired Bint and then when everything had calmed down he had disappeared. Now he was on his knees before some random man he had pulled in a club, thick fingers were tangled in his hair as they fucked his mouth, he was hard. His erection strained against his trousers and he was whimpering with desperation, his hands yanking against his restraints and the sharp pain added to the exquisite bliss that was filling every particle of his being.

It didn't take much and the man was gasping as he pumped hot, salty liquid down Sirius' throat. He swallowed hungrily until he was yanked away by his hair and thrown back onto the bed. "P-please..." He gasped, feeling cum trickle down his chin and hard, calloused hands grasp at his hips. He opened his legs. "Fuck me...fuck me _hard_..."

_**-On my own for far too long**__**, **__**Troubles with the gear**__**, **__**Nothing left to fear-**_

It was the one thing Sirius refused to do for him. James sat there, gazing at his friend...a man he had thought he'd known but the man sat across from him with scars, bruises and shaking hands was someone he hardly recognised. He chose to ignore the pills scattered across the table top, he refused to even look at the piles of bottled stacked in a corner and it was even worse when he saw the stained clothes scattered over the sofa. "Why?" He asked after a long silence in which Sirius watched him from eyes that were too dark, eyes that showed no sign of the shattered soul within.

"Because it's wrong." Sirius replied, stubbing a cigarette out in a nearby ashtray. "Because I'm untrustworthy."

"You?" James laughed. "Don't be so fucking stupid Sirius, you'd die for me I know it, Remus knows it even _Lily_ knows it! Christ, what's wrong with you?"

Sirius licked his lips. "I'm not going to do it, James. Choose someone else."

"Who? There is no one else...this is my family's lives, I trust no one else."

"You do..." Sirius ran fingers through his hair, letting it fall back in a shiny ebony wave, James watched it, entranced. "Peter."

"What?" James' eyes widened. "That's the height of stupid! I like Peter, and I trust him but he's...well...he's...you know..." He shrugged and leaned back in the uncomfortable plastic seat.

"I do. Which is exactly why he's bloody perfect."

_**-Problems with the booze**__**, **__**Nothing left to lose-**_

The only sound was his heart racing in his chest. The only sight were those eyes...brown with flecks of gold and rings of green as they flashed behind round glasses. Then he groaned and Sirius let his tongue flick out and run across those delicious lips, he reached up and tangled his fist into that messy hair and ground his hips into James'. "You argued..." He whispered hoarsely. "Fuck me, James. I want you."

"Sirius..." James pressed his palm into Sirius' crotch making him buck and gasp. He was seated on the kitchen table top as James bit at his throat and squeezed his erection through the thick denim of his constraining jeans. "We shouldn't..."

"Just do...it..." Sirius gasped. He no longer cared where they were, he no longer cared that James was married, or that he had a kid on the way...all he wanted was to feel James inside him, feel him cum deep... "Ah! Hurry! Hurry!" He gasped as James began ripping off his trousers and he found himself pulled down and he braced himself on the cold counter as he felt a brief and wonderful pain before utter bliss.

Sirius' skin crawled as he arched his back, feeling James' hand slide down it. He pushed back against him, feeling his erection twitching inside him. He gasped as James pulled out slowly before slamming back in. His fingers clawed at the worktop and he forgot his own name...

It was hard and fast, James' body covered in a fine sheen as he thrust desperately into Sirius' welcoming body. "Sirius..." He muttered, hearing the man beneath him cry out. It was an amazing feeling, one he had missed but one he never wanted to feel again...

Sirius came with James' name on his lips, spilling himself across the cupboard doors. James thrust a few times more before tensing and a soft gasp escaped his lips.

They collapsed to the floor gasping, sweaty and satisfied. Sirius curled up at James' side and slid fingers into his unruly hair. "James..." he muttered softly, filling his name with everything he felt, all the pain, the love and total devotion he felt for his best friend.

_**-It takes the pain away**__**, **__**that could not make you stay**__**, **__**it's way too broke to fix**__**, **__**no glue, no bag of tricks-**_

It was noisy. There were screams, there was laughter, there was the constant rattle of chains and bars and the din pounded at his ears and through his chest. He hated it and yet he despised the silence even more...because in the silence he would be able to hear that soft voice, that gentle whisper of comfort. In the darkness he curled into a corner, covering his head with his arms as he sobbed into his lap. His robes were filthy, his hair long and his ribs stuck out at strange angles...

He cried helplessly at night. He cried like he hadn't done since he was a teenager...and it was agony as the tears seared his cheeks, as they fell with resounding crashes onto the cold stone floor. He cried because all he could see were hazel eyes, brown with flecks of gold and rings of green...


End file.
